My New Low Cost Home Security System

It’s even more effective than Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson or Mr. O.F. Mossberg’s systems. Wait for it….

I took down my Rebel flag (which you can’t buy on EBAY any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off my front window.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchased the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on EBAY) and ran it up the flag pole.

Now the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7. I’ve NEVER felt safer and I’m saving $69.95 a month that ADT used to charge me.

Plus, I bought burkas for my wife and me to wear when we shop or travel. Everyone moves out of the way and security can’t pat us down.  If they say I’m a male wearing a burka, I just say I’m feeling like a woman today.

Hot Damn — Safe at last — Ain’t America great or what?

And just to cover all of my bases, I’ve contracted with some of my local Garden Gnomes to provide some additional perimeter security.  Meet the Home Guard.

Thanks to Sgt. Axeman for making my day.