So How Cold Is It, Johnny?

Polar Vortex Jan. 29, 2019 WeatherChannel

“Cold” is a relative term. Use the handy list below to overcome the confusion. Degrees (Fahrenheit).  More “Cold Jokes” found here.  Canadians, eh? get honorable mention throughout.

65 above zero: Floridians turn on the heat. Minnesotans plant gardens. Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night.

60 above zero:  Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)

50 above zero: Californians shiver uncontrollably. People are sunbathing in Duluth.  You can see your breath.

40 above zero: Minnesotans drive with the sunroof open.  Italian cars don’t start. Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts.  Minnesotans go swimming.

32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. The water in Bemidji gets thicker.

25 above zero: Ohio water freezes.  Californians weep pitiably.  Minnesotans eat ice cream.  Canadians go swimming, eh?

20 above zero: New Mexicans don long johns, parkas and wool hats & mittens. Minnesotans throw on a flannel shirt.  Maritimers put on a T-shirt. Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.  British cars don’t start.  New York City water freezes.  Miami residents plan vacation further South.

15 above zero: New York landlords finally turn on the heat. People in Minnesota have one last cookout before it gets cold.  Toronto water freezes.  Vancouverites weep pitiably.  Manitobans eat ice cream on the patio.  Maritimers go swimming.

10 above zero:  You need jumper cables to get the car going.

5 above zero:  You can hear your breath.  Politicians begin to talk about the homeless.   Montreal water freezes.

Zero: Miami residents cease to exist. Minnesotans close the windows. Alaskans put on T-shirts.

5 below zero:  French cars don’t start.  You plan a vacation in Mexico.  Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.

10 below zero: Californians fly away to Mexico.  Minnesotans dig their winter coats out of storage.  Too cold to ski.  Manitobans do up the top button.   German cars don’t start.  Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

15 below zero:  You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo.  Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects.

20 below zero:  Cat insists on sleeping in your pajamas with you.  Politicians actually do something about the homeless.  Minnesotans shovel snow off roof.  Japanese cars don’t start.

25 below zero: Hollywood disintegrates. Girl Scouts in Minnesota still selling cookies door to door. American cars don’t start.  Yukoners put on T-shirts.  Too cold to skate.

30 below zero:  German cars don’t start.  Swedish cars don’t start.

40 below zero: Washington, D.C.  finally runs out of hot air. People in Minnesota let their dogs sleep indoors. Ottawans shovel snow off roof.  Canadians put on sweaters.  Your car helps you plan your trip South.

50 below zero:  Too cold to think.  You need jumper cables to get the driver going.  Congressional hot air freezes.  Alaskans close the bathroom window

60 below zero:  You plan a two week hot bath (if you could only thaw the water).  The St Lawrence freezes over.

70 below zero:  Vancouverites disappear.  Maritimers put on sweaters.  Other Canadians put on overcoats.  Your car helps you plan your trip South, but won’t start.

80 below zero:  Yukoners close the bathroom window.  Hell freezes over.  Polar bears move South.  Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game.

90 below zero:  Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.

100 below zero: Santa Claus abandons the North Pole. Minnesotans get upset because the Mini-Van won’t start.

460 below zero: ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero on the Kelvin scale). People in Minnesota can be heard to say,  “Cold ’nuff fer ya?”

500 below zero: Hell freezes over. Minnesota public schools open 2 hours late.

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