News Ripped From The Headlines Of “News Yet to Come”

Female Weightlifter Suffers Tragic Testicle Injury Just Weeks Before Tokyo Olympics

The Babylon Bee–100% totally female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was forced to bid farewell to her Olympic dreams yesterday after a tragic accident left her with a severely lacerated testicle. Hubbard would have been the first transgender woman to compete in the Olympics.

The injury is not life-threatening, but doctors have advised Hubbard that she needs to refrain from heavy lifting for at least six to eight weeks as her injury heals. Obviously, that means Olympic weightlifting is off the table.

**The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come (“News Yet to Come”) appropriately appropriated from Charles Dickens
**/sarc ‘n /snark

CNN Breaking News! Flat Earther Surfing Disaster

FakeNews CNN’s Brian ‘Tater’ Stelter reports “Surfers on edge after 40 go missing…”

‘Tater’ is sure to “Get Peeled” for trying to resurrect his failing show with this cheesy (and we’re pretty sure it’s a FakeNews)story. Since Former President Donald Trump left the White House, CNN has lost almost 70% of its viewers.


**/sarc ‘n /snark

Meanwhile In Canada (by way of Cornwall) – “Mon Dieu! Benoit? Summon the Mounties.”

Masculine Pronouns??  Justin says “Nyet! Vladie. There ain’t no stinking masculinity here…”

The Babylon Bee–World War 3 was nearly started after G7 attendees referred to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau using masculine pronouns, misgendering the progressive, inclusive, genderless leader.

“Excuse me — him?” an indignant Trudeau said after he overheard Putin referring to him using male pronouns. “How dare you! Did you just assume my gender? Wow. I mean, I thought this was the current year!”

Flintstones Vitamins With ‘Advanced’ Puberty Blockers

Babylon Bee–Bayer AG, the multinational pharmaceutical corporation, has announced a brand new line of trans-friendly Flintstones vitamins laced with puberty-blocking hormones. To help normalize early childhood transition, the vitamins will be on sale over the counter without restriction.

Flintstones vitamins’ new girl-to-boy chewables will be made of anabolic steroids with vitamins and delicious fruit flavors added in. The vitamins will be completely organic and hormone-free– except, of course, for the synthetic hormones which are the active ingredient.

Other Puberty Blocking ‘Strateries’

**/sarc ‘n /snark
**Found here.

AOC’s Faker Hoaxtm Brand Cancels Aunt Jemima

Heh.tm

Citizen Free Press–Aunt Jemima is making her last batch of pancakes.

Quaker Oats said Tuesday that its Aunt Jemima brand pancake mix and syrup will be renamed Pearl Milling Company. Aunt Jemima products will continue to be sold until June, when the packaging will officially change over.

Quaker Oats, a division of PepsiCo Inc., had announced last June that it would retire the Aunt Jemima brand, saying the character’s origins are “based on a racial stereotype.” A former slave, Nancy Green, became the first face of the pancake products in 1890.

Goodbye Aunt Jemima. We barely got to know ye.

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