CNN’s Mount Rushmore Trigger Warning

Footage Of Trump’s Patriotic Event At Mount Rushmore is Vewy, Vewy Scawey.  Head To Your Safe Space, Snowflakes.

Babylon Bee—In a move to make sure its primary audience of dumb snowflake triggered sissy libs wasn’t scarred for life, CNN graciously broadcast a trigger warning ahead of its report on Trump’s “dangerously patriotic” speech in front of Mount Rushmore last week.

The message warned CNN’s dozens of viewers that they would soon see horrifying carvings of long-dead racist presidents, President Trump saying some words, and also some disturbing American flags. CNN anchors then encouraged viewers with any liberal relatives in the room to turn away for a few minutes so as not to melt instantly into a puddle of liberal tears.

/sarc ‘n /snark

Read moreCNN’s Mount Rushmore Trigger Warning

It’s Not The Coronavirus Knocking At Your Door

Mormon Church Switches To Missionary Robots – Kicks Bicycles To Curb

The Babylon Bee–As more organizations and religions try to navigate the coronavirus outbreak, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has unveiled its new army of missionary robots. The robots will go from door to door spreading Mormon beliefs.

“GREETINGS, HUMAN. DO YOU HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK ABOUT OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST?” the robots say when you open the door. “NON-BELIEVER DETECTED. DEPLOYING CONVERSION PROTOCOL.”

One man confronted with one of the early models of the LDSBOT9000 attempted to change the subject to the weather: “Yeah, nice day we’re having, isn’t it?” he said nervously.

Styx – Mr. Roboto (Official Video)

**Found here.
**/sarc ‘n /snark

Creepy Joe Biden Has A Creepy New COVID-19 Mask

Biden Cuts Hole In Mask So He Can Still Sniff People’s Hair

The Babylon Bee–Joe Biden has committed to wearing a mask in public to be a good example and to prevent the spread of COVID-19. Aides were disappointed and a little frightened, however, when Biden immediately cut a large hole in the middle of the mask so he could continue to invade people’s personal space and sniff their hair, necks, and faces.

Staffers usually don’t let Biden play with sharp objects, but he managed to find some safety scissors stashed behind the Metamucil in his campaign bus. Using the purple plastic scissors, he cut a large hole and then fitted the mask to his face, confident that he was protecting himself and others from the virus.

The Babylon Bee takes /sarc ‘n /snark to a whole ‘nuther level.

‘White Privilege’ Is A Drink Best Served Cold

Starbucks Unveils New White Privilege Latte

The Babylon Bee—The coffee monolith Starbucks is introducing a brand new drink that promises to begin the hard work of ending racism in America. The new “White Privilege Latte” will cost $50 a cup and taste like pure hatred, bigotry, and regret. “This will be the most progressive drink on the market today,” said marketing director at Starbucks, Madeline Kohn.

Read more‘White Privilege’ Is A Drink Best Served Cold

The Babylon Bee Posts “AOC Free” Retraction

The Editors of The Babylon Bee admitted today that their article, “Ocasio-Cortez Appears On ‘The Price Is Right,’ Guesses Everything Is Free” may not have been entirely accurate an issued an apology for the confusion.  Readers give the story “Two Hehs Up”.

**/sarc ‘n /snark Alert.