The Babylon Bee

Do You Need One More Reason Not To Fly?

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Delta Airliners Add ‘Explosive Diarrhea‘ Warning Lights

Babylon Bee–Following a much-publicized incident this week in which a flight had to turn back due to a passenger suffering from intestinal issues that created a biohazard, Delta Airlines has announced that all planes will be outfitted with an “explosive diarrhea’ warning light.

“This quickly became our No. 2 priority,” said airline spokeswoman Charmin Brown. “After this week’s unfortunate experience, we decided that, much like seatbelts or no-smoking lights, it would be best to have a way to notify all of our passengers of explosive diarrhea. This way, everyone onboard will be made aware whenever it’s, you know, about to hit the fan.”

Passengers onboard diarrhea plane share ordeal: ‘It was dribbled down the aisle, smelled horrible’

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News Ripped From The Headlines Of “News Yet to Come”

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Female Weightlifter Suffers Tragic Testicle Injury Just Weeks Before Tokyo Olympics

The Babylon Bee–100% totally female weightlifter Laurel Hubbard was forced to bid farewell to her Olympic dreams yesterday after a tragic accident left her with a severely lacerated testicle. Hubbard would have been the first transgender woman to compete in the Olympics.

The injury is not life-threatening, but doctors have advised Hubbard that she needs to refrain from heavy lifting for at least six to eight weeks as her injury heals. Obviously, that means Olympic weightlifting is off the table.

**The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come (“News Yet to Come”) appropriately appropriated from Charles Dickens
**/sarc ‘n /snark

Meanwhile In Canada (by way of Cornwall) – “Mon Dieu! Benoit? Summon the Mounties.”

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Masculine Pronouns??  Justin says “Nyet! Vladie. There ain’t no stinking masculinity here…”

The Babylon Bee–World War 3 was nearly started after G7 attendees referred to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau using masculine pronouns, misgendering the progressive, inclusive, genderless leader.

“Excuse me — him?” an indignant Trudeau said after he overheard Putin referring to him using male pronouns. “How dare you! Did you just assume my gender? Wow. I mean, I thought this was the current year!”

Flintstones Vitamins With ‘Advanced’ Puberty Blockers

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Babylon Bee–Bayer AG, the multinational pharmaceutical corporation, has announced a brand new line of trans-friendly Flintstones vitamins laced with puberty-blocking hormones. To help normalize early childhood transition, the vitamins will be on sale over the counter without restriction.

Flintstones vitamins’ new girl-to-boy chewables will be made of anabolic steroids with vitamins and delicious fruit flavors added in. The vitamins will be completely organic and hormone-free– except, of course, for the synthetic hormones which are the active ingredient.

Other Puberty Blocking ‘Strateries’

**/sarc ‘n /snark
**Found here.