MAGA Lion Attack Thwarted By Colorado Hiker

Just kidding. I was trying out the newest headline writing style practiced by the Mainstream Media, called “Smolletting”. Here’s the real story brought to you by the ‘real’ CNN.

From CNN, “Runner who suffocated mountain lion with his foot describes the attack.

When Travis Kauffman went for a run near Fort Collins, Colorado, little did he know his workout would include suffocating a mountain lion.

“I feel like I should go buy a bunch of lottery tickets,” he said.

On Thursday, authorities identified Kauffman as the runner who won a fight-to-the-death struggle last week after the cat ambushed him along the trail.

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All He Wants For Christmas Is A Tattoo Removal Gift Certificate

He really wants to lose the Hillary ‘tramp stamp’ he got a year ago just before the 2016 Presidential Election while in a drunken “feel my inner feminist” stupor.  He thought that wearing a ‘pussy hat’ and voting for Hillary would get him a date.  So how’d that work out for him?  Not so well, on any account.

For the 2018 Mid-term Elections, he’s going to try a full body ‘Brazilian wax‘ and a “I Heart Melania” tattoo on his left (and now bare) man boob.  MAGA!

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