Creepy Porn Lawyer, Michael Avenatti’s Newest Client

Things “Michelle” Avenatti could have said but was beaten to the punchline by Rodney Dangerfield.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Thanks BrainyQuote

   
   

Tony Robbins Ditches His Trademark “Firewalk” Event

Tony Robbins, noted motivational speaker, has ‘extinguished’ his famous Firewalking event because of an outbreak of burned ‘toesies from the hot coalsies‘.  Not to be deterred, Robbins, ever the entrepreneur and promoter, has developed a new and even more trying (read mo’ money) “Firewalk, without the fire.”  It’s the Lego Firewalk Challenge.

**FakeNewsAlert**

   
   

Kim Jong-un Out Negotiates Donald Trump

You can blame Dennis Rodman for presenting a copy of Trump’s own “Art of the Deal” to his BFF Kim Jong-Little Big Mac, or you can say it was a stroke of genius.  But Kim may just get what he wants the most out of the Singapore Summit.

**Really FakeNews Alert**

   
   

Russian Poop Collusion

The Russians were caught ‘red-handed’ stirring up more poop, according to pooch’s Boris and Natasha.

   
   

Donald Trump Bombs Syria

Stock footage of the attack on Damascas, Syria provided by FakeNews CNN. Heh.

**FakeNewsAlert** that’s really your salad fixin’s growing.

   
   

Sure Cure For Hillary’s Cough

Uncle Vlad recommends a shot of Old Crow, a little honey, and a dash of lemon to pair with the ‘certain’ piquancy of the brew.