Creepy Porn Lawyer, Michael Avenatti’s Newest Client

Things “Michelle” Avenatti could have said but was beaten to the punchline by Rodney Dangerfield.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Thanks BrainyQuote

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Tony Robbins Ditches His Trademark “Firewalk” Event

Tony Robbins, noted motivational speaker, has ‘extinguished’ his famous Firewalking event because of an outbreak of burned ‘toesies from the hot coalsies‘.  Not to be deterred, Robbins, ever the entrepreneur and promoter, has developed a new and even more trying (read mo’ money) “Firewalk, without the fire.”  It’s the Lego Firewalk Challenge.

**FakeNewsAlert**

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Representative ‘Studs’ Swalwell

Democratic Representative Eric Swalwell appears to be fixated on the “studs” in the Trump Administration. I couldn’t quite figure out whether he was making a veiled reference to Stormy Daniels, or refurbishing the Oval Office for Trump’s second term. Now rumor does have it that Mr. Swalwell has spent some serious time personally investigating the Trump/Stormy connection. He brags that he’s logged at least 40 hours on Ms. Daniels rather ‘ample’ website.

 

**Disclaimer–Just kidding, Mr. Swalwell. We won’t know for sure that you’ve been using your Government computer to log onto porn sites until we finish the investigation. Oh, and as far as using your Congressional Expense Account to pay for your PornHub subscription….? I’m sure you have a perfectly logical explanation.

**FakeNewsAlert**

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Tide Pod ‘Secret Snacker’

Jimmy’s hurrying to stock up on his favorite Tide Pod snackies before the age restriction and ID check goes into effect.  When asked what his plans were for staying stocked with the tasty little treats ‘post-ban’, Jimmy said, “I know the addresses of all the Procter & Gamble employees within 100 miles of here.  I’ll just kidnap some family members and ….well, you can figure out the rest of the plan.”

**FakeNewsAlert**

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Procter & Gamble’s New Line of “Tide Snacks” – Easter Candy Shortage Update

Capitalizing on the unexpected success of “Tide Pods”, P&G just released these new and possibly tasty additions. Update – The demand for Tide Pods “Peeps” Easter Candy has been so exuberant that shelves are already emptied.  Disappointed shoppers were heard to say that “these Pod Peeps went faster than a $99 dollar 60 Inch Big Screen TV at Walmart on Black Friday”.

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NBC News – “There’s Russians Behind Every Meme”

NBC Reporter, Ken Dilanian sees Russians behind every meme and hashtag.  Lions and Tigers and Bears, oh my!

 

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